Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
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The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Sorry not sorry.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.