I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
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I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
A friend sent me this.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?