“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
You Might Also Like
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!