“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
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Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
A bold strategy
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.