“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
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In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Danger is very dangerous
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me