[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
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“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.