My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
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Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Finally a use for spoilers…
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted