Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
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*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
My neck my back my allergy attack
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE