“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
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ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Time heals everything 🙂
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
WTF IS THAT!
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.