Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
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Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk