I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
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When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
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