my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
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Another interesting #factupdates post!
Cashiers are always checking me out
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
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.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
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.
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*go back once more*
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.