Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
You Might Also Like
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.