If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
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me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.