MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
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Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.