Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
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Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Damn what did I do next
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
that wasn’t the question
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Confused owl: What?!
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day