I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
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Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!