Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
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I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Never be a pizza!
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.