My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
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5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle