I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
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Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
welcome back
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
One venti cheeseburger please.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Why does laundry happen to good people?
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some