Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
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Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*