Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
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I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Comparing yourself to others
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
This week’s mood.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.