“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
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this is so top tier i cant
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
There is no “we” in chocolate.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7