Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
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Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.