The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
You Might Also Like
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet