them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
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The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?