I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
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Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
me
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise