Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
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[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
2022: I can fix it
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
me after drinking all the wine:
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.