Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
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[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Did my cat write this
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya