Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
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guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Golf would be better with landmines.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”