Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
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Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Just say no
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.