(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
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If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms