*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
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I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
I triple waxed for this?
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.