I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
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The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
termite twitter scares me
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118