*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
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My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.