How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
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*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
respect
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Anyone want a chair?
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.