The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
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If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Tastes like chicken.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
When someone asks if I have any hobbies