Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
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Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Room with a view.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes