[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
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No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.