My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
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“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
“i miss shittin on people”
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
how to have an accident 101
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.