Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
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i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Mad Max: Furry Road
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.