The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
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My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
lmfao come on
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Stop being racist to kettles.
I have so many questions.
man i love columbo
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
any last words?
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit