[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
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[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
i want to work in this restaurant
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances