TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
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H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
listen closely
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky