My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
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I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
my mom making me talk to relatives
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”