“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
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Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.