I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
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*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
😍😂🥰😂😍
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*