Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
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Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
This kinda thing happens to me often
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.