captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
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I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Me too, bag. Me too….
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.