No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
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3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a